i, most appropriately, spent the bulk of my formative years exploring myself, making revisions, corrections, edits, deletions, and redrafts until i came up with a product that i felt good about, that other people seemed to appreciate and that fell as closely in line with the values i pulled from my Faith as i could manage and still be someone i could recognize. i’ve become pretty comfortable with my nature over the years between then and now and i have thought it proper that i should be satisfied with who i am and what i might become out of that.
But now i seem to be growing restless again. i suspect i may have become too comfortable with the flaws that really matter while still stifled with insecurity about the ones that really don’t. I’m getting the feeling it may be time to start exploring again. To look more closely at some fundamental aspects of my character and determine whether they are really worth keeping, how fundamental they really are, and how they help or hinder me in achieving the actual purpose of my life.
How much of what i do and who i “am”, i wonder, was grown out of a desire to be loved by other people and what might change if i grew now out of a knowledge that i was created from God’s love and that i serve better by loving than by being loved? Perhaps i can remember or learn anew what it is to love without inhibition. What is it that has me so reluctant to do things i don’t want to do that i will wast myself inventing ways to want to do what needs to be done instead of just doing it? Why is it so difficult to feel confident without feeling superior and what happens if i direct my self-image toward humility instead of security? Why do i have to know why i do things to not do them anymore? What if i really learn to burn with love for all who cross my path, to put my neighbor and all his kin before myself, and, scariest and most perplexing of all, submit to the negation of the Self that i spent so many years identifying and refining? What if i really, truly trust in God, without a back-up plan? i think these possibilities need to be explored.
To sum up, it’s clearly time for me to start trying hard again. It’s been long enough that i’ve been practicing self-acceptance. i’m not really the one who needs to be accepting me when it comes right down to it. Not my job to judge. It’s time, i think, for a little honest reflection, some selfless service, some non-me-centered exploration of…myself. i don’t really know how that works, but i’m pretty sure i’ve never really tried it before. Not for any useful amount of time, anyway. Maybe with practice i can not slip into obsessing over my own development and keep focused on the grand scheme. i hear that one thing to do might be to focus on the qualities of God, maybe without focusing on how i do or do not manifest them. i don’t know if that makes them mystically manifest in oneself or what, but it feels like it might be the thing to do. Less worry about whether people think i’m neat and more commitment to what is true and real and valuable to the human soul. Some investigation into my personal mindset will surely be required, but ultimatley, i think fewer “I” statements is what’s called for now. I don’t really know yet what to replace “I” with, but maybe that’s a good first thing to explore. i’m not sure that it’s so important to start any particular place. It’s just time to get back to work.
4 Comments
21 July 2009 at 8:24 am
I believe I just had a series of small epiphanies here. This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
23 July 2009 at 5:55 am
hello miss wonderful person. i am very sorry to have missed your call the other day. i loved to hear your voice in the voice mail and i missed what i am sure what would have been an amazing convo. let’s try it again soon. good luck with the exploration. i love you.
ps. sundays are better for me….
12 August 2009 at 12:35 am
I miss you fiercely now right now!
2 October 2009 at 7:04 am
Wow, I’m astonished at how similar these thoughts are to the ones I’ve been having lately. Hmm. I wonder if its something many people think about but few express, or something few think about. Either way, thank you for verbalizing my spiritual unconscious.
There is a great quote from Shoghi Effendi that I have spent too long trying to find. To sum up (which is a darn shame, cause he says it so much better), when we try to find our true selves, we get lost in the search for self, but when we seek God and undertake service to God, the true self appears. Something mystical like that. Its a beautiful concept that I agree with theoretically, but which I often find difficult to effectively put into practice. I will try to find that quote again tomorrow. It is really quite good, and I’m not sure I got the summation quite right either. Thanks again for sharing!