When once the seeker hath ascended unto this station, he will enter the City of Love and Rapture, whereupon the winds of love will blow and the breezes of rapture will waft.
It would seem that in my tumble through the darkness of delusion, i have finally managed to find God’s love – for me, for Him. And now i am agonizingly aware of my insurmountable unworthiness of my Beloved. i am in a panic trying to learn as immediately as my egregiously limited faculties will allow how to love Him right – to do at least the best i actually can- and at every moment i fail, my heart stops and i tremble in fear that it will be too late, that i won’t pick up both feet in time and He will surrender me back to myself.
Now he laugheth, now he weepeth sore; now he reposeth in peace, now he trembleth in fear.
My heart breaks every day.
I cannot find a place to hide it.
The pieces…every side always so exposed and raw.
Every new sensation so dangerously potentially errant.
Can i trust my Lover to keep me? When i so grievously fail to keep Him every day?
How do they do this? How do the good people do this? For a lifetime? For eternity? How?
6 Comments
5 February 2009 at 9:43 pm
thank you for sharing so honestly.
i don’t have any answers to your questions-for i have similar questions-your broken heart is fresh and i don’t want to take away from your experience-
i don’t know how they do this. i don’t know how i can ask for God’s love-which He provides at all times and under all conditions-whilst i bargain my love for Him…i pray for His forgiveness and the strength and ability to stop stumbling around in broken integrity.
thank you for sharing so honestly
5 February 2009 at 10:17 pm
“My heart breaks every day.
I cannot find a place to hide it.”
This is how I feel when I pray a lot. Not sure it’s what you meant, but it’s like you’ve been broken open, and you realize how you’re laid before before the Almighty. Thanks.
6 February 2009 at 11:57 pm
your artistry of words is loverly. me, meself, i been thinking a lot about the vast amount of forgiveness He has, and i been ‘imploring Him by the ocean of His mercy’ every day. for every moment. it’s an ocean. it’s really really big.
8 February 2009 at 1:56 am
Congratulations, you’re a hero.
What you described sounds like everything I aspire to, in my strongest moments.
I hope you realize what a source of strength and inspiration you are to us.
26 February 2009 at 10:57 pm
“My heart breaks every day.
I cannot find a place to hide it.
The pieces…every side always so exposed and raw.”
Such powerful wording…
It may not help, but try this, maybe – acknowledge what you term “insurmountable unworthiness,” but don’t dwell on it, because that can sometimes drag you down even more. Love Him as much as you can, and then love Him some more. Let Him love you…regardless of failures. Let that love be a balm for your broken heart, and someday it will be warm and full instead of raw and exposed.
I agree with Kiyo, though. I don’t want to take away from this heartache of yours, because it’s of utmost importance to you. I only hope and pray that you find some ease soon. And thank you so much for always sharing things so honestly and forthrightly.
26 February 2009 at 11:01 pm
Last thing – a prayer for detachment that I can’t get through it without crying, and I thought you might like…-
I know not, O my God, what the Fire is which Thou didst kindle in Thy land. Earth can never cloud its splendor, nor water quench its flame. All the peoples of the world are powerless to resist its force. Great is the blessedness of him that hath drawn nigh unto it, and heard its roaring.
Some, O my God, Thou didst, through Thy strengthening grace, enable to approach it, while others Thou didst keep back by reason of what their hands have wrought in Thy days. Whoso hath hasted towards it and attained unto it hath, in his eagerness to gaze on Thy beauty, yielded his life in Thy path, and ascended unto Thee, wholly detached from aught else except Thyself.
I beseech Thee, O my God, by this Fire which blazeth and rageth in the world of creation, to rend asunder the veils that have hindered me from appearing before the throne of Thy majesty, and from standing at the door of Thy gate. Do Thou ordain for me, O my Lord, every good thing Thou didst send down in Thy Book, and suffer me not to be far removed from the shelter of Thy mercy.
Powerful art Thou to do what pleaseth Thee. Thou art, verily, the All-Powerful, the Most Generous.
– Bahá’u'lláh